STUART’S STORY
Recently this affliction I’m living with has reared its ugly
head. Knocked me for six and scared the hell out of me. I just need to write
this to vent some frustration. I’ve not been myself for the last 8 weeks so if I’ve
upset anyone I didn’t mean to.
Why do I let hypothetical thoughts in my own mind manifest into
nonsensical issues that ignite the feelings I don’t want to have. I just want
to stay in my bed and sleep 24/7 as I can’t be arsed facing the day, never mind
people.
I’m a prisoner in my own made up world.
I’m a prisoner in my own made up world.
People think depression is sadness.
People think depression is crying.
People think depression is dressing in black.
For me, depression is an enigma. It’s a constant feeling of being numb.
Being numb to emotions. Being numb to life.
You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren’t really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them?
Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs and through cutting. When you’re depressed you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day.
That is what depression is for me, not sadness or tears, as you’re not feeling sad or upset, it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.
People think depression is crying.
People think depression is dressing in black.
For me, depression is an enigma. It’s a constant feeling of being numb.
Being numb to emotions. Being numb to life.
You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren’t really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them?
Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs and through cutting. When you’re depressed you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day.
That is what depression is for me, not sadness or tears, as you’re not feeling sad or upset, it’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.
The anxiety makes me feel like a burden on everyone. In a
way, imposing, monopolising people’s time. It’s horrid, and if you let it, it
consumes you.
I am battling constantly with my own mind.
I am battling constantly with my own mind.
I try to set myself goals and targets, to have a purpose or something
to aim for.
Eating regularly, not just eating, but eating food I want to eat. Sleeping for 8 hours. Having a shower/bath. Things most people take for granted; these things are difficult to do when you’re struggling to even contemplate getting out of bed.
Eating regularly, not just eating, but eating food I want to eat. Sleeping for 8 hours. Having a shower/bath. Things most people take for granted; these things are difficult to do when you’re struggling to even contemplate getting out of bed.
I am now awaiting an appointment with my psychiatrist for my
depression as I am told it has now manifested to psychosis and bipolar or schizophrenia.
Never look down on anyone unless you’re helping them up! You don’t
know what battle they are fighting.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
Live forever,
Stuart Sanderson x
You’re an inspiration to many.
Thank you, Stuart, for sharing your on-going struggle with mental health and helping to further raise awareness to this ever growing illness.
Your rawness and realness I am sure will relate with so many others who will understand your struggles and hopefully open the eyes and give more insight to those who don't.
Your rawness and realness I am sure will relate with so many others who will understand your struggles and hopefully open the eyes and give more insight to those who don't.
You’re an inspiration to many.
You’re a survivor and warrior!
#chasingstarlightwarrior
Mark 💪
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