Dean Finegan Story: BRokEN MAN TO STRONGMAN!

STRONGER THAN MY ILLNESS

This is the story of a long-time personal friend, local strongman competitor and mental health battler and survivor, Dean Finegan, whose biggest battle, wasn’t how much weight he could lift on the bar, but in fact the one within his own head.

Over the years Dean has always been involved in various competitive contact sports such as rugby and various forms of mixed martial arts, something that has always helped Dean with his mental illness albeit not realising just how much at the time.   

In 2019, Dean gave his mental strength a massive boost with his success in the land of the giants and the world of Strongman competitions. 

Originally born in Wolverhampton, with Irish roots, Dean grew up in Manchester and St Anne’s, now residing in Blackpool, North Shore, Dean only began competing in the world of strongman approximately nine months ago, during which time he has not only set himself goals but obliterated them in such rapid progress. Currently boasting a 320kg deadlift, 305kg squat and 145kg overhead press in such a short amount of time. 

Dean now has raised hopes of qualifying for the big stage of UK’s Strongest Man event which involves vehicle-pulling and lifting such objects as cumbersome kegs and Atlas Stones all of which have made for compelling viewing on television for a number of years. To compete in the UK’s biggest event would crown an amazing journey for 31-year-old, 6’3, 26 stone strongman. 

At the beginning of 2019, Dean was struggling to cope, following a mental breakdown, one which he admits was almost the end of the line for him. Dean’s story resonates with me in a huge way as he deals with things similar to myself, keeping himself to himself and not giving much away. Putting on a brave face whilst battling his PTSD and depression, but not wanting it to define him and instead looking to turn his past negatives into something positive.

Refusing to be defeated and with the support of his closest friends and family, which includes his fiancé and two sons, Dean soon discovered a talent for lifting heavy ass weights with little experience, which gave him a new passion and new challenge, ‘lifting’ his life to a new level.

As previously mentioned, having always been a keen rugby player with Blackpool, Thornton Cleveleys and Orrell, his time in the 15-a-side sport was cut short due to numerous knee injuries. Following this blow, it wasn’t just Dean’s sporting activities which came off track, admitting, “I didn’t do much after that and I lost my way. I hit breaking point just over 12 months ago and had a bad breakdown. I work for the NHS at Blackpool Victoria Hospital and knew about the mental health services, and they helped me massively.”
Dean cut himself off from the outside world, becoming less sociable and his confidence plummeting he knew something had to change. “I was not socially active and was struggling to leave the house, but I started to go to the gym with my earphones on as therapy and started doing deadlifts.”

Other than his beloved and devoted family, this soon became Dean’s reason for waking up each morning. He continued...“I soon realised I was naturally strong and a friend of mine was going in for a Strongman event in Atherton, (Greater Manchester) and invited me down. I entered at two weeks’ notice as a first-timer and won the event. I then entered the Lancashire Strongest Man event for more experience, albeit injured, I still gained a lot of from it. Two months ago I did another competition in Atherton – an open event against experienced strongmen competitors and gym goers with a no weight limit catch, and I won again!”

Due to Dean’s remarkable rise, he has earned himself a place at the North of England Strongest Man event in Hartlepool this March, where he hopes to qualify for the National Championship.

Wanting to give back to the sport and illness he continues to battle to this day, Dean has opened and runs his own gym full-time, Defiance Strength and Conditioning in Poulton. 

Dean decided he wanted to give others who suffer with mental health, a place to go, a place to learn and a place to lift. He plays a huge part in not only encouraging others to chase their goals but also in being someone who is willing to listen to their troubles and inspire them to use any negative energy and turn it into a positive.

However, his career unfolds, Dean is looking forward to a far brighter future. He added: “I hope my story not only brings light to the sport of Strongman but also shows the mental health benefits of being involved in such a sport.”

Thank you to Dean for bravely sharing your story.
Best of luck in all that you do, moving forward, both in the world of strongman as well as with your on-going battles against mental health.
We hope anyone reading this can relate to Dean's struggle and find a way to turn their negative energies into something positive.
Mark 💪
Please find attached links to both Dean's strongman and gym pages.
www.facebook.com/fineganstrongman
www.facebook.com/defiancesc

Anonymous: Me, BPD & Me

Me, BPD & Me

by Anonymous.

Born in Germany, 1985 to a British family, I was the middle child.
My Mum and Dad split when I was two years old following which I stayed with my Dad. He went on to remarry and that was the start of my abusive childhood.
My stepmother used to beat me daily. I was always told to stay in my room and rarely saw any friends, had fun or went to parties. None of that.
My dad soon followed suit with the heavy hands.

Me and my brother used to visit out Mum on holidays. Coming home was the most painful experience ever after this. I was like a cat clinging on to the door frame. We finally told our Mum about the treatment we endured and she listened and acted. We moved to our Mum's and things finally started looking up but then began another vicious circle of pain and trauma. Within two years my mum had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer.

We had the option of moving back to our Dad's as she was very unwell and unable to care for us with the treatment. We opted not to go back.

We were then placed in foster care with our Mum only being 20 minutes up the road so we could visit her after school. It was good.
Before long she moved a little further 'up the road' so we saw her a little less as it was a 2-hour drive. This was okay though. We still got to see her. 

Shen continued fighting for 4 years until she sadly and inevitably lost her battle. This was tougher than I could ever explain. Grief was something I had never really felt until then.

I went off the rails as a kid and moved to supported lodgings for various reasons. This suited me better. My foster parents were not a massive fan of people like myself, in the fact that I came out as gay at 15 years old. 

I met a guy, love of my life. Then something in me, Jekyll and Hyde if you will, snapped and I became this unstable, self-harming obsessive boyfriend. I really put that lad through hell and regret it to this day. I had no clue what was wrong with me. I was a very turbulent child though. Really damaged.

We split after a few months because of me.  

I was then booted out of supported lodgings as I was really unwell and they did not understand it, much like I didn't at the time. Arms in bandages etc, my self-harm then later manifested itself into an eating disorder. I have always been body dysmorphic though but I am currently addressing that.

I moved in to a three bedroom house via a housing association set up for care leavers. My housemate and I didn’t get along at all. I met a new guy. Became obsessed as I do. He then left after 2 weeks, only to return a week later to tell me he had been away and that he was a male escort in London. He said he had to go back down South, so, I called my brother and cleared out my stuff for him to store and moved to London!

I spent 6 months as a male escort but for the purpose of this story and its focus being on my mental health, I'll spare the detail. It was a downward spiral.
It wasn’t long before I moved in with a friend following a violent breakup with my partner.

Eventually I secured a job, a flat and some sense of pride again. Still this dark cloud still hung heavy over me.
Before my Mother passed away, she told me I had more family that I was unaware of.
I contacted some a while later and moved to sunny Blackpool. I was 20 years old at this time.
I got a job, mucked around on the ‘scene’ a bit but then.... I met someone new, someone I worked with, he was the 'popular' guy. 

I spent 12 years with this guy. 12 years of non-stop alcohol, partying, arguing, fighting, police involvement etc. Some would say it was toxic. I used alcohol to desensitize myself over the years. 

We split as our relationship deteriorated over the years. No intimacy, no love, just a hell of a lot of booze.
My friend was helping me get my head around how end things, but then someone new walked into my life and this gave me the boost I needed. We split, it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t friendly, it was a very messy breakup. 

Eventually I managed to stop drinking, unfortunately, that was the start of something within me, something I couldn’t control. All my emotions came out. The good, the bad and the very ugly. I was no longer concealing the pain with alcohol.

Two difficult years passed in this relationship all down to my instabilities. I sought help after a night in A+E, this was the final straw, I NEEDED HELP.
We have been together for 3 years now. He has stuck by me and dealt with all of my shit. All my relationships have suffered due to my 'episodes' something I was always blind to. He saved me.

I was re-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I was 17 years old upon first being diagnosed with a personality disorder after displaying certain behaviours affiliated with PD’s. I made the mistake of disregarding this diagnosis as I didn’t fully understand it. Personally, I saw it as a negative thing, almost like it was suggested that I had a bad personality. Probably the worst thing I could have done, ignoring it for so long considering I am now 35 years of age.

It was only two-year’s ago (2018) that I suffered an episode that resulted in time spent being at Blackpool Victoria Hospital. After seeing two psychiatrists I had been formally diagnosed with borderline Personality Disorder. This is also referred to as EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder). I currently take various forms of medication such as Sertraline, Quitiapine, lamotrigine, diazepam, sertraline and lithium, which when combined levels my mood, suppresses any outbursts also known as psychotic episodes.

BPD is thought to contain 9 traits of which I identify with all:
Fear of abandonment - Frantic efforts to keep people close.

Unstable relationships - Intense.

Unclear or shifting self-image - Who am I? Who is that in the mirror?

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours - Risky behaviours (including hypersexuality).

Self-harm - Eating disorders, cutting and attempts to hurt one’s self. This is not always with suicidal intent.

Extreme emotional swings - Unstable emotions and moods.

Explosive anger - This can be seen as anti-social and is one of the main causes of incarceration in men and women with BPD. We are not trouble-makers, merely misunderstood.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - Feeling like I don’t belong, like there’s a void inside me. Often people may try to fill this void with things like drugs, food or sex but nothing tends to feel truly satisfying.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality - Also known as disassociation. Paranoid thoughts about others motives and losing touch with reality when under extreme stress.

It’s often been referred to as having paper thin skin and the slightest touch can cause 3rd degree burns. Hypersensitivity.  

I have had this disorder for as long as I can remember, however wasn’t exactly sure why this was happening to me. BPD is partly genetic and I believe this as mental health conditions run throughout my family in one way or another from bipolar (which I am also being monitored for hence the lithium).

It is thought to affect 1-2% of the population with a staggering 3/4 of these being female and 23% of that remaining quarter of men are believed to be in the social justice system.
This is mainly due to the universal lack of understanding regarding this disorder.

I have recently become an accredited mental health first-aider alongside my current job and can say with confidence that being able to work in my current role helps me in ways that support the continued maintenance and management of my symptoms.

These symptoms vary on a regular basis. One minute I can be fine, on top of the world, productive, feeling important and wanting to take on new challenges, projects and ideas. Then within minutes my mood can switch. Like an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair running through me, like a freight train, so much so, that all of a sudden, all those motivational ideas then become a pipe dream. 

I come in to work on a daily basis with a smile regardless of what lies beneath. I can pride myself in the fact that I am able to carry myself well in public. Some days are different. I come in to work, get my head down and get on with it. This indicates that I am not feeling overly conversational. Whereas on the other hand I can enter a room like I own it, full of confidence, though behind all that is a terrified ‘young’ man, “Will I fit in? Will people avoid me because they don’t understand why I act the way I do? Things I say and the stories I tell? Will I be judged? Why does everyone else seem so resilient to the small things in life where I completely blow it all out of proportion?”

I have never been particularly nice to myself over the decades. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person staring back at me. Almost like looking at a shell of a person whilst dealing with feelings of doubt, chronic emptiness to the point it is physical. I change my appearance like the weather; this is a self-image deregulation also common in BPD. Who am I? 

I self-harmed as a youngster and am now left with the scars but as time has gone on, I have come to terms with this. However, this manifested into an eating disorder of which I am still addressing today. Unfortunately, this has become the norm for me (which it shouldn’t) however Rome wasn’t built in a day!

I have bouts of extreme irritability, anger, intrusive thoughts and compulsions, feelings of self-importance, euphoria, mania and severe depressive episodes. These can last from anywhere between a matter of minutes to a couple of months, which does indicate symptoms of bipolar disorder however, it’s early days with regards to that.

I live every day as it comes, as planning ahead is not something, I attempt too much due to my instabilities. Imagine how I feel when putting in annual leave requests need putting in ha-ha.

I have a partner who has stuck with me through all of what has happened so I owe a lot to him, as I do to my colleague and best friend who helped me recognise my symptoms and pushed me to seek help. I am glad she did and I pretty much owe her my life. 

It has taken me years to start to come to terms with who I am and with the help of my closest friends, family, work colleagues and my partner, I can pride myself in the fact that I am in recovery. I am able to spot all the signs of impending mood shifts and triggers and have some great coping mechanisms in place such as a mood tracker on my phone, a headspace meditation app and Elefriends, an anonymous online social media group moderated by mind.org.
I make use of social media platforms, such as Facebook, for many reasons, one of which being able to relate to others and understand what they may be dealing with, as I want to be able to help those who are struggling in their journey using my own experiences and mistakes to ensure they don’t slip as far as I once did.  

Thank you, anonymous survivor still battling but never willing to give up. 

Anonymous. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I know you've decided to remain anonymous due to work commitments so just want to take this time to thank you for the work you do surrounding mental health. 

Your story is truly inspiring with lots of twists and turns that only life can provide.

So happy to see you are now in a positive place and long may this continue.

Thanks, 

Mark 💪

Emma’s Story - Depression, Anxiety & PTSD

Emma’s Story 

The images featured below are mere months apart between 2019-2020. They are both me, however in my reality they are two completely different people.

Before 

I was in the worst state I have ever been, both mentally and physically. Over weight, suicidal and suffering BADLY with anxiety, depression and PTSD. 

Having all sorts of emotions, thoughts and feelings going through my head at 1000mph but also feeling so blank and empty on the inside. Only getting out of bed and going to work because I couldn’t let my team down or get in trouble at work for being ‘dramatic’ or ’weak’, not thinking that I actually needed to look after myself. 

I was scared to talk to anyone about how I was feeling because when I tried to speak to my ‘friends’ I was told to get over it and that I need to stop acting a victim. I felt like I was worthless, ugly, fat and a burden who was constantly worrying about what people thought of me.

After

I have anxiety, depression and PTSD BUT! I am a survivor. I am in the best state mentally and physically that I have been in in YEARS! 

I still have my down days where I struggle to get out of bed and socialise but I know that I am not worthless and I am not a burden. 

I can’t lie, still care about what people think of me but I don’t try to mould myself into the version of me that people want and if they don’t like that it truly doesn’t affect me anymore. 

I still have a long way to go but I am SO bloody proud of the person I have become and I am so grateful for the people I now have around me! 

I can’t wait to see what this year holds for me and how much I can improve and better myself! 

Just because someone doesn’t speak up about how they are feeling or what they are going through/have been through doesn’t mean that they aren’t suffering. People are silently battling with their mental health everyday! Don’t judge a person because they are quiet or not wanting to go out clubbing, socialising or replying your messages etc. Instead maybe ask if they are ok and take the time to hear them out without judging them or putting them down.

Emma x

Thank you for bravely sharing your story Emma, I am so glad you are back to feeling yourself and excited for the future ahead. 

You’ve always been truly lovely and someone I’ve know for so long and guiltily admit I was completely unaware of the struggle you were going through. 

Your story is another example of how we truly don’t know what is going on in peoples lives. 

So happy you’re through the worst of it and my best wishes for your exciting future.

Mark 💪🏼

Anonymous - A girl and her anxious mind

Anonymous - A girl and her anxious mind.

A mini poem from a girl who wants to be freed from her anxious mind... 

I’ve spent most of my life being shouted at, 

Most of my life feeling alone.

I’m an introverted extrovert who just seems to want to moan.

It’s not what I want, I want fun instead of tears,

I only moan because inside I’m full of fears.

In my younger years I’ve been hit, I’ve been emotionally abused and felt such shame,

Its in the past where that belongs so should no longer cause me pain.

I’ve found someone new but struggle to show them love. 

I just wish I wasn’t so anxious, so I could spread my wings like a dove.

I’m so kind and so happy in my life but I do often feel alone.

All I want is a cuddle and not to feel like I’m a constant moan.

I worry about time and what we're having for tea, 

These are no big deals to some but they are so important to me.

I want my parents to be happy, I want them to visit and be in my life,

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy or even be someone’s wife?

I never want to hurt people, I want to enforce a change,

I'd change it all, just to stop from going insane.

I promise myself I will stop thinking as it doesn’t do me good,

I wish I could just accept me for me, I know that I should.

I promise to make a fresh start, to really try my best,

I promise to wake up each day, make the most of it and not be stressed! 

I’m blessed to have a life and kids and blessed to be alive.

I’m blessed to feel fit and healthy and to have a lovely house and not a dive.

I’m blessed to be loving and caring and know one day my dreams will all come true, 

I’ll be blessed with happiness like fresh air and no longer feeling blue! 

Alex Skeel - Abused By My Girlfriend

Alex Skeel - Abused By My Girlfriend

This is the story of domestic abuse survivor Alex Skeel, whose torment at the hands of his partner was so severe it’s was almost fatal, having been given approximately 10 days left to live upon his rescued from his living hell.

Originally posted by the BBC in February, 2019, I felt it necessary to share this story for those that were unaware of it, for those that were unsure of the details but ultimately for those that may be able to relate to this brave young man’s story, and thus hopefully find the courage to seek the help necessary.

I stayed with my abusive girlfriend out of fear she would kill me

Alex's partner was the first woman jailed for coercive and controlling behaviour in the UK. Now he's trying to fight the stigma around male domestic abuse. 

Warning: some upsetting content

Alex Skeel, 22

I’ll never forget the moment that my girlfriend, Jordan, first poured scalding water over me. She’d backed me into the corner of a room in the home we shared in Bedfordshire, holding a boiling kettle. We’d been together for three years, and what had started with small things – her telling me not to wear the colour grey or that she didn’t like my hairstyle – had turned into a nine-month campaign of physical abuse. I was very scared of her.

I can still see that first tiny drop of water falling onto my skin. It all happened in slow motion. Afterwards, my skin was curdling. The pain was like nothing I’d ever experienced. I begged her to let me get in a bath filled with cold water – it was the only thing I could think of that would stop the burning. She allowed me to get in, and the relief was instant. You can't imagine how incredible it feels to sink your body into freezing water after that. It’s the nicest feeling in the world. Then she told me I had to get out – or she’d do it all over again.

If I started moaning, saying that it hurt, she’d say, "Get back in the bath, then." Then she’d do exactly the same thing and make me get out. It was all about the mind games with her. She wanted control over all aspects of my life. I remember lying in the bath with no clothes on. It looked like I was in an oven, cooking. My skin was peeling off. It was absolutely horrible.

The latest figures from the Crime Survey for England and Wales show that, in the year ending March 2018, an estimated two million adults aged 16-59 years had experienced domestic abuse in the last year – of that number, over one-third were estimated to be men.

It’s also estimated that one in five teenagers have been physically abused by their girlfriend or boyfriend. And it’s happening to men much more than most people are aware of. Police in England and Wales recorded almost 150,000 incidents of domestic abuse against men in 2017 – more than double the number reported in 2012. According to one charity, fewer than 1% of domestic abuse refuge beds in England are allocated to men, with none at all in London.

Alex (right) and girlfriend Jordan.

Jordan Worth and I were 16 when we met at college in 2012. She did really well at school and she got a place at the University of Hertfordshire to study fine art. She wanted to become a teacher. In those first months, everything was fine. We had a really nice time together and did normal things, like watch films and go for walks together. It was new for me to tell my friends I had a girlfriend. They’d say, "Oh, what did you do at the weekend?" and I’d be able to say that I’d been with her.

Then, a few months in, a couple of strange things happened. At the time, it just seemed like attention-seeking behaviour. My mum and dad had paid for us to go to London to watch The Lion King and, out of nowhere, Jordan just disappeared. We were all looking for her for quite a while, and then, much later, we found her in the reception area, laughing her head off. It was all a bit weird. In hindsight, I think it was her way of getting me to panic and worry about her, in order to get a hold of me.

But before long, Jordan had completely isolated me from my friends and family – she stopped me from seeing them and even took over my Facebook account – a classic tactic of domestic abuse. I had nobody to turn to.

Alex celebrates his 18th birthday with mum and twin brother Luke.

She started to deny me food, which meant I lost a lot of weight. I’d try and challenge her behaviour, but she’d turn it on me and find a way to make me the problem. I’d know it wasn’t my fault, but she’d keep convincing me. You end up thinking, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ Then you do something differently and they moan at you for being different. When she was telling me, "I don’t like the colour grey," or "I don’t like those shoes," I’d think, "Okay, I won’t wear them," because I wanted to impress her. But, in reality, she was moulding me into who she wanted me to be. It undermines your confidence. And you’re fighting a battle that you’ll never win. It’s so frustrating.

We had two kids together and I just kept hoping that something would change. The children were babies, but, of course, they must have seen what was happening and, while she didn’t hurt them directly, my fear was always that if I left, she’d turn her abuse on them. So I stayed.

Of course, there were some genuinely good times with Jordan - moments when I felt happy, when we laughed and had fun together. It wasn't a nightmare all the time. And I really wanted to try and make a go of the relationship. I loved her, after all.

It took 18 months for the mental abuse to turn physical. It began when she started sleeping with a glass bottle next to her. She was accusing me of doing things with other girls, talking to them or messaging, which was completely untrue. She kept saying that she’d had messages from people but, much later, I found out that she’d been making it up. Then she’d wait until I’d fallen asleep and smack me on the head with the bottle. She’d demand, "What are you thinking about?"

An x-ray of Alex's mouth showing his broken teeth.

After a while, it got to the point where it didn’t hurt anymore. I was so used to the pain, I didn’t even  feel it. So she’d ramp it up to the next level and find a worse way of hurting me. After the bottle, it was a hammer. After that, it was anything she could find to smack me with.

One time, it was a laptop charger. She wrapped the cord around her wrist but with a bit of slack, and swung the metal plug end at my head. Blood started gushing out. It was pouring onto the floor. I cried, "Please will you help me?" and watched Jordan as she walked up the stairs, laughing. She said, "Why don’t you just go and die? No one cares about you."

Eventually, Jordan started with knives. She’d slash at me. One time, she just missed a major artery in my wrist. After that, it was boiling water. I had third-degree burns. Whenever I got used to the pain, she’d go a level up. The level after boiling water would have been death.

Of course, I was scared of Jordan and what she would do. I felt that, if I’d said anything, she could have killed me. I’d go to hospital and say I’d tripped and hit my head or that very hot water from the shower burned me. A neighbour called the police a few times when they heard shouting, and I’d make excuses for Jordan and lie. It wasn’t nice, but I did it to save my life. I had black eyes and all sorts. She’d put her makeup on me, because she wanted to cover up what she’d done.

I could feel my body shutting down. I’d lost five stone in weight. Afterwards, doctors told me that I’d been 10 days from death because I’d been denied food for so long and my injuries were so bad. It all came to an end in 2018, when a police officer came round to the house to follow up their previous visit and questioned me. All the horrible truth came out. My injuries were so severe by that point, and I was so gaunt after all the weight loss. I’d denied everything up until that point. But I couldn’t go on any longer.

Police bodycam footage following a call made by a neighbour that shows Alex in a state of physical and mental distress.

If the police hadn’t intervened at that precise moment, I’d be in the ground. There’s no doubt about it. I was fortunate enough – I say fortunate – that I had so many injuries and the evidence was really strong, so it tied everything together, which helped put her away.

Jordan’s motivation, I think, was pure jealousy. I’d been very close to my family, and had brilliant friends, and she distanced me from all that. She took me away from everything I ever had. I remember once she said to me, "I want to ruin your life."

While one in six men will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives, only one in 20 will ever seek any help. 

Jordan was never sorry. Even when the police came round to question her. She looks as guilty as anything in the police footage, but I think she cared more about being caught than what she’d done to me. She pleaded guilty in court, I believe, to get a lighter sentence.

Jordan being questioned by police.

I don’t know how Jordan justified this kind of behaviour to herself. I think people who commit domestic abuse do it because they get a kick out of it. It’s like a drug, an addiction. And the more they do it, the more they think they can get away with it – and it gets worse and worse and worse. It’s like they’re in heaven and you’re in hell. They’re getting what they really, really want. That complete control. And you’re getting everything you never wanted in your life and worse. Until they get found out. And then it’s a massive shock to them.

I’d heard of male domestic abuse before I met Jordan. I knew what she was doing. I knew it was really, really bad. But I didn’t know what to do. During it all, I wouldn’t have been able to name a charge she could be arrested for, because I didn’t have a clue, ever.

I never hurried to get out of this situation, as funny as that sounds. There was no way I was going to be able to get out of it. I literally had nothing. And, obviously, we had two children together. I just hoped it would stop. If I got hit one time less it was a great day. It was that simple.

My concern was with the kids, that they were alright. You can never tell someone to leave that kind of situation. That’s the worst thing. You need to just say, "Look, if you ever need to talk with me, I’m here."

Alex reunited with baby Iris after being discharged from hospital.

Jordan was sentenced to seven-and-a-half years in prison in April 2018. She admitted to controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship, wounding with intent and causing grievous bodily harm. When I heard the news, I didn’t even react. I don’t tend to get bothered by things now. If my football team wins, I used to go crazy, but now I’m more or less ‘job done’. I think that’s because of the trauma I went through. When the verdict came, I was like, "That’s justice then." Afterwards, I felt a lot of relief - a massive weight off my shoulders. As soon as I knew she was in that van on her way to prison, for the first time in five years, I could look over my shoulder and not have a single worry cross my mind.

The children don’t really know what’s going on. I’ve kept a lot of the information, the court documents etc, for them to read when they’re older. When they’re mature enough to understand it, I’ll explain it to them. As long as they say to me one day, "You’ve done a good job, Dad," that’s all I care about.

Jordan was the first woman in the UK to go to prison for coercive and controlling behaviour. It shows it’s being taken seriously. There’s a lot of stigma that prevents men from speaking out and often police don’t take violence against men seriously. Men are often left out of domestic abuse campaigns. It’s wrong. What has gender got to do with it?

I’m not stupid enough to think that everyone’s going to be like Jordan. But I’m not ready for another relationship right now. I just want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy as a child, because Jordan took everything away from me and destroyed it, like football trophies, tickets for football matches, possessions, all ruined. I’ve got to try to build that back up, which I have done, with the help of male domestic abuse charities. In the future, I’d like to open a refuge for men who’ve been abused.

I sometimes think the main reason I’m alive is to raise awareness. Why didn’t the knife go in the wrong place? Why wasn’t I hit in the wrong place? I never had a fractured skull and I was hit thousands of times. That just amazes me. Why not? There must be a reason for it. The reason is to help people. I only hope that things get better for other victims.

Abused By My Girlfriend is available to watch on BBC Three iPlayer.

Thank you for taking the time to read this truly harrowing story of abuse. 

In an update on Alex, he is now an ambassador for domestic violence charity, The ManKind Initiative. 

Mark 💪