Anonymous: Me, BPD & Me

Me, BPD & Me

by Anonymous.

Born in Germany, 1985 to a British family, I was the middle child.
My Mum and Dad split when I was two years old following which I stayed with my Dad. He went on to remarry and that was the start of my abusive childhood.
My stepmother used to beat me daily. I was always told to stay in my room and rarely saw any friends, had fun or went to parties. None of that.
My dad soon followed suit with the heavy hands.

Me and my brother used to visit out Mum on holidays. Coming home was the most painful experience ever after this. I was like a cat clinging on to the door frame. We finally told our Mum about the treatment we endured and she listened and acted. We moved to our Mum's and things finally started looking up but then began another vicious circle of pain and trauma. Within two years my mum had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer.

We had the option of moving back to our Dad's as she was very unwell and unable to care for us with the treatment. We opted not to go back.

We were then placed in foster care with our Mum only being 20 minutes up the road so we could visit her after school. It was good.
Before long she moved a little further 'up the road' so we saw her a little less as it was a 2-hour drive. This was okay though. We still got to see her. 

Shen continued fighting for 4 years until she sadly and inevitably lost her battle. This was tougher than I could ever explain. Grief was something I had never really felt until then.

I went off the rails as a kid and moved to supported lodgings for various reasons. This suited me better. My foster parents were not a massive fan of people like myself, in the fact that I came out as gay at 15 years old. 

I met a guy, love of my life. Then something in me, Jekyll and Hyde if you will, snapped and I became this unstable, self-harming obsessive boyfriend. I really put that lad through hell and regret it to this day. I had no clue what was wrong with me. I was a very turbulent child though. Really damaged.

We split after a few months because of me.  

I was then booted out of supported lodgings as I was really unwell and they did not understand it, much like I didn't at the time. Arms in bandages etc, my self-harm then later manifested itself into an eating disorder. I have always been body dysmorphic though but I am currently addressing that.

I moved in to a three bedroom house via a housing association set up for care leavers. My housemate and I didn’t get along at all. I met a new guy. Became obsessed as I do. He then left after 2 weeks, only to return a week later to tell me he had been away and that he was a male escort in London. He said he had to go back down South, so, I called my brother and cleared out my stuff for him to store and moved to London!

I spent 6 months as a male escort but for the purpose of this story and its focus being on my mental health, I'll spare the detail. It was a downward spiral.
It wasn’t long before I moved in with a friend following a violent breakup with my partner.

Eventually I secured a job, a flat and some sense of pride again. Still this dark cloud still hung heavy over me.
Before my Mother passed away, she told me I had more family that I was unaware of.
I contacted some a while later and moved to sunny Blackpool. I was 20 years old at this time.
I got a job, mucked around on the ‘scene’ a bit but then.... I met someone new, someone I worked with, he was the 'popular' guy. 

I spent 12 years with this guy. 12 years of non-stop alcohol, partying, arguing, fighting, police involvement etc. Some would say it was toxic. I used alcohol to desensitize myself over the years. 

We split as our relationship deteriorated over the years. No intimacy, no love, just a hell of a lot of booze.
My friend was helping me get my head around how end things, but then someone new walked into my life and this gave me the boost I needed. We split, it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t friendly, it was a very messy breakup. 

Eventually I managed to stop drinking, unfortunately, that was the start of something within me, something I couldn’t control. All my emotions came out. The good, the bad and the very ugly. I was no longer concealing the pain with alcohol.

Two difficult years passed in this relationship all down to my instabilities. I sought help after a night in A+E, this was the final straw, I NEEDED HELP.
We have been together for 3 years now. He has stuck by me and dealt with all of my shit. All my relationships have suffered due to my 'episodes' something I was always blind to. He saved me.

I was re-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I was 17 years old upon first being diagnosed with a personality disorder after displaying certain behaviours affiliated with PD’s. I made the mistake of disregarding this diagnosis as I didn’t fully understand it. Personally, I saw it as a negative thing, almost like it was suggested that I had a bad personality. Probably the worst thing I could have done, ignoring it for so long considering I am now 35 years of age.

It was only two-year’s ago (2018) that I suffered an episode that resulted in time spent being at Blackpool Victoria Hospital. After seeing two psychiatrists I had been formally diagnosed with borderline Personality Disorder. This is also referred to as EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder). I currently take various forms of medication such as Sertraline, Quitiapine, lamotrigine, diazepam, sertraline and lithium, which when combined levels my mood, suppresses any outbursts also known as psychotic episodes.

BPD is thought to contain 9 traits of which I identify with all:
Fear of abandonment - Frantic efforts to keep people close.

Unstable relationships - Intense.

Unclear or shifting self-image - Who am I? Who is that in the mirror?

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours - Risky behaviours (including hypersexuality).

Self-harm - Eating disorders, cutting and attempts to hurt one’s self. This is not always with suicidal intent.

Extreme emotional swings - Unstable emotions and moods.

Explosive anger - This can be seen as anti-social and is one of the main causes of incarceration in men and women with BPD. We are not trouble-makers, merely misunderstood.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - Feeling like I don’t belong, like there’s a void inside me. Often people may try to fill this void with things like drugs, food or sex but nothing tends to feel truly satisfying.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality - Also known as disassociation. Paranoid thoughts about others motives and losing touch with reality when under extreme stress.

It’s often been referred to as having paper thin skin and the slightest touch can cause 3rd degree burns. Hypersensitivity.  

I have had this disorder for as long as I can remember, however wasn’t exactly sure why this was happening to me. BPD is partly genetic and I believe this as mental health conditions run throughout my family in one way or another from bipolar (which I am also being monitored for hence the lithium).

It is thought to affect 1-2% of the population with a staggering 3/4 of these being female and 23% of that remaining quarter of men are believed to be in the social justice system.
This is mainly due to the universal lack of understanding regarding this disorder.

I have recently become an accredited mental health first-aider alongside my current job and can say with confidence that being able to work in my current role helps me in ways that support the continued maintenance and management of my symptoms.

These symptoms vary on a regular basis. One minute I can be fine, on top of the world, productive, feeling important and wanting to take on new challenges, projects and ideas. Then within minutes my mood can switch. Like an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair running through me, like a freight train, so much so, that all of a sudden, all those motivational ideas then become a pipe dream. 

I come in to work on a daily basis with a smile regardless of what lies beneath. I can pride myself in the fact that I am able to carry myself well in public. Some days are different. I come in to work, get my head down and get on with it. This indicates that I am not feeling overly conversational. Whereas on the other hand I can enter a room like I own it, full of confidence, though behind all that is a terrified ‘young’ man, “Will I fit in? Will people avoid me because they don’t understand why I act the way I do? Things I say and the stories I tell? Will I be judged? Why does everyone else seem so resilient to the small things in life where I completely blow it all out of proportion?”

I have never been particularly nice to myself over the decades. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person staring back at me. Almost like looking at a shell of a person whilst dealing with feelings of doubt, chronic emptiness to the point it is physical. I change my appearance like the weather; this is a self-image deregulation also common in BPD. Who am I? 

I self-harmed as a youngster and am now left with the scars but as time has gone on, I have come to terms with this. However, this manifested into an eating disorder of which I am still addressing today. Unfortunately, this has become the norm for me (which it shouldn’t) however Rome wasn’t built in a day!

I have bouts of extreme irritability, anger, intrusive thoughts and compulsions, feelings of self-importance, euphoria, mania and severe depressive episodes. These can last from anywhere between a matter of minutes to a couple of months, which does indicate symptoms of bipolar disorder however, it’s early days with regards to that.

I live every day as it comes, as planning ahead is not something, I attempt too much due to my instabilities. Imagine how I feel when putting in annual leave requests need putting in ha-ha.

I have a partner who has stuck with me through all of what has happened so I owe a lot to him, as I do to my colleague and best friend who helped me recognise my symptoms and pushed me to seek help. I am glad she did and I pretty much owe her my life. 

It has taken me years to start to come to terms with who I am and with the help of my closest friends, family, work colleagues and my partner, I can pride myself in the fact that I am in recovery. I am able to spot all the signs of impending mood shifts and triggers and have some great coping mechanisms in place such as a mood tracker on my phone, a headspace meditation app and Elefriends, an anonymous online social media group moderated by mind.org.
I make use of social media platforms, such as Facebook, for many reasons, one of which being able to relate to others and understand what they may be dealing with, as I want to be able to help those who are struggling in their journey using my own experiences and mistakes to ensure they don’t slip as far as I once did.  

Thank you, anonymous survivor still battling but never willing to give up. 

Anonymous. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I know you've decided to remain anonymous due to work commitments so just want to take this time to thank you for the work you do surrounding mental health. 

Your story is truly inspiring with lots of twists and turns that only life can provide.

So happy to see you are now in a positive place and long may this continue.

Thanks, 

Mark 💪