Stephen’s Story

Stephen of SMART Fitness and his story about his struggle with anxiety and depression and how physical fitness has helped him ease his mental health. 

“For all those people that said - "I can't do it"

A while few years back I used to weigh around 8 stone. I thought I'll just eat and bulk up and I ended getting a belly and size wearing 34inch pants and looked terrible.

My belly stuck out my arms were like twigs, I never wore t-shirts as I was to body conscious and though people would just laugh at me for being so worried about others opinions it all goes back to my childhood as I got bullied in school for being so thin, and picked on for not being very physically active.

Due to this I suffered from depression and anxiety which didn't help matters.

I started the gym but didn't know a thing at all. I spent 20 minutes in the gym and got bored and felt out of place so I left and went home. I did this about 4 times a week for over 6 months.

One day on holiday someone said to me 

"why are you wearing a jumper its boiling?" 

I told him why and he laughed at me and said

“you feel ashamed of how you look but that's you, not anyone else if you want to change this you can but it doesn't start with the body it starts with the mind.”

I didn’t think much of this after hearing it until I got home. I went to the gym and again after 20 minutes I started walking out.

On my way out I bumped into an old man approximately 70 years old called Phillip.

We spoke and he ended up walking me back to the gym without me realising.

We spoke and spoke and worked out the entire time without me even noticing. At the end he said to me,

“now that's longer than 20 minutes. You’ve got it in you, you just need to motivate yourself. Nobody in this gym cares what you look like or what your doing, they’re concentrating on themselves.”

After this I went to the gym a few days later and pushed myself harder than ever before, spending around 2 hours in the gym. 

About 2 weeks later I started noticing the difference and the changes in my body I had made.

THIS is the point I fell in love with training and fitness, but I wanted to know more so I studied, learnt and trained with some of the best people and best trainers to become a trainer myself. With the help and support of my parents I thrived and found myself and what it was I was meant to do in life.

To this day I'm always pushing and learning new and different ways of helping people not just in the gym but everywhere possible. I realised that there were other people that still now think how I did.

After 4 years as a personal trainer I have helped countless people achieve their goals and start to feel better about themselves.

Girls who never wanted to go on holiday out of fear of showing their bodies, are now going away in bikinis. Guys who weren't sure of how to get the body they have always wanted are now well on their way to achieving their goals and setting new ones. 

Anyone can say "I can't do it" but everyone can also say "I can do it" all you need to do is believe in yourself.

I love what I do for a living and that's a rare thing to find these days. I am privileged and honoured that I get to help so many fantastic people everyday.

People who want to lose weight, build muscle join the army, train for a sport, want to feel younger physically and get more flexible or need assisting with their aches and pains.

All different goals all different types of people with one thing in common MOTIVATION.

I achieved my goal and keep chasing new ones. We can all do it, whether its changing your body or helping you through a difficult time, training and exercising does one thing, it releases you. It helps you to do something you thought was impossible for you to do.

It makes you believe in yourself again. 

From just a brisk walk to hours of training it all means something. The best thing about training in my opinion is, that for that time I'm training I feel on top of the world because each time I train I'm doing something I couldn't do before. 

Whether its lifting a heavier weight, running further as well as eating better.

I am now 13 stone 6 pounds and love wearing tight fitting t-shirts because I'm proud of what I have made of myself. 

I have diploma after diploma in fitness and as a personal trainer, fitness coach, class instructor and a nutritional advisor and I love it.

My mental health has been helped by my physical health.”

Helen Speak: A life of abuse and trauma story.

My Life Story in written Form: A life of Abuse and Trauma 
By Helen Speak

I was Born in Halifax, and lived with my parents, my mum Christine and my dad, Alan, as well as one older sibling, a brother, Peter.

At 8 weeks old my family moved to Steering a little village on the outskirts of Keighley. 

My dad worked long unsociable hours, had lots of sporting past times and liked to gamble on the horses. He was never at home. 

My Mum was physically and mentally abusive towards me and my brother, up to me being the age of 9/10.  

My mother also was having an affair an and my parents separated. Mum was the one who left the family home. 

Once my mum left, my brother became physically abusive towards me, he took over where my mum left off. It wasn’t long before I was the victim of sexual abuse. 

My dad met a new partner, and in turn Peter and myself were pushed out so forced to go and live with our mum. 

By this point, my mum had got a new partner too, who she went on to marry. However, in the meantime my mum became ill and was diagnosed with cancer.

My mum passed away on 14/01/93, aged 41. At the time I was 14 years old and my brother 16.

I finished school sitting my GCSE’s but didn’t do well at all. I started health & social care at college but only lasted about 8 weeks. 

I became very promiscuous and ended up hanging around with Asian grooming gangs in Keighley and eventually running away with one man for a period of time.

After my return to Keighley, aged 17 it wasn’t long before I met and married my first husband who was 23 years older than me. We ended up having 2 children together however, in 2000 we divorced. 

In 2002 I had an abortion, I became a victim of harassment from neighbours and had my windows smashed and found out one of my children had been abused. 

In 2003 I moved to a small village on the outskirts of Keighley. Life was better they were mostly happy times. Where I met one of my best friends. The sister I never had and many others whom, are still close friends to this day.

In 2005 I met my second husband and in 2006 we married. In both 2007 & 2009 our children were born, during which time in 2007 we had moved back to Halifax, where you purchased our first home together. 

In 2010 the marriage broke down and we split. 

I soon began a new relationship which was volatile to say the least. Over a period of time I started to believe my children were suffering from abuse. Although not from within my household. It took a while for the truth to come out and finally it did in 2013, the same year I became a victim of domestic violence. 

I absolutely hit rock bottom and was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I did something that was unforgivable. I took my youngest children to School and told them I wouldn’t be returning for them, telling the school too. That morning I was going to buy a gun and even sent text messages to ‘someone’ threatening them, that I was going to kill them. 

Obviously, I didn’t follow through with my threat and I was arrested the day after and received an adult caution.

Just before the police had come to my house my family had realised my children were not where they were meant to be and were in fact at a house that was unsafe. I spent hours in a cell wondering what the hell was going on. I asked and asked the police to sort it and they were very good and nice to me. 

My social worker rang the station and I was allowed to go to the phone to speak to her where she asked me to stay quiet while she explained that my kids were safe and had been removed from where they were. I was reunited with my kids under supervision because of my mental state. 

Eventually we upped and left our family, friends, my job and my house. To get rid of my house I had to declare myself bankrupt.

We moved to Scarborough in 2014, something I have always said saved my life, as if I hadn’t, I’d have been dead, in a mental institution or prison by now.

I knew I wanted to help people but was unsure of what exactly I wanted to do. I returned to education as a mature student and I went for personal therapy. As I started to recover from some of my past experiences, I became inspired by my therapist and decided I could do what he was doing. 

I joined The Samaritans as a volunteer and had 4 different job roles over a period of 5 years. 

I worked my way up and went onto university to study counselling. I completed the theory part of the degree in April last year and graduate this July, due to a delay in completing the required placement hours. 

I had said for a number of years I wanted to write a book but in reality, this was unlikely. Then as world mental health week approached and went

I decided I could help others in a different way. Which was when I decided to tell my life story in the form of videos. 

Just before Christmas I thought I could do more and so began looking into starting up a group on Facebook. 

I asked my friends what they thought and within a few weeks we were up and running with... Speak Out Community Support Group.

I still want to be a counsellor however work is hard to find in this area. Therefore, I’m considering going into private practice. But you never know where things will lead and I am excited for the future and the challenges that I might face.

As a whole, things have been better since moving to Scarborough 7 years ago, however, it’s far from perfect. We still have bad times and are all recovering from the life events we have suffered. 

I am who I am, I will not let my past define me and I won’t let my past dictate my future. 

My children are the reason I eat, sleep and breathe. 

My Life Story is my inspiration for living the best life I can. It doesn’t matter what life throws at you. Get up and fight another day. Life is precious live it while you can, as we aren’t all that lucky.

You can also follow my Life Story by watching my videos. My videos are brutal and honest and may be difficult for some people to watch.

Helen. 

Thank you for sharing your life story Helen. 

It's great to see you have come through all of the trauma you've experienced and turned it into a positive in wanting to help others, very commendable and full respect for you in doing so. 

We hope your story can help others who have or currently are suffering.
Anyone wanting to reach out to Helen for advice on their own struggles please join her group on Facebook, Speak Out Community Support Group, where she will be more than happy to assist in anyway possible. Very approachable and keen to assist. 

Thank you again,

Mark 💪

Dean Finegan Story: BRokEN MAN TO STRONGMAN!

STRONGER THAN MY ILLNESS

This is the story of a long-time personal friend, local strongman competitor and mental health battler and survivor, Dean Finegan, whose biggest battle, wasn’t how much weight he could lift on the bar, but in fact the one within his own head.

Over the years Dean has always been involved in various competitive contact sports such as rugby and various forms of mixed martial arts, something that has always helped Dean with his mental illness albeit not realising just how much at the time.   

In 2019, Dean gave his mental strength a massive boost with his success in the land of the giants and the world of Strongman competitions. 

Originally born in Wolverhampton, with Irish roots, Dean grew up in Manchester and St Anne’s, now residing in Blackpool, North Shore, Dean only began competing in the world of strongman approximately nine months ago, during which time he has not only set himself goals but obliterated them in such rapid progress. Currently boasting a 320kg deadlift, 305kg squat and 145kg overhead press in such a short amount of time. 

Dean now has raised hopes of qualifying for the big stage of UK’s Strongest Man event which involves vehicle-pulling and lifting such objects as cumbersome kegs and Atlas Stones all of which have made for compelling viewing on television for a number of years. To compete in the UK’s biggest event would crown an amazing journey for 31-year-old, 6’3, 26 stone strongman. 

At the beginning of 2019, Dean was struggling to cope, following a mental breakdown, one which he admits was almost the end of the line for him. Dean’s story resonates with me in a huge way as he deals with things similar to myself, keeping himself to himself and not giving much away. Putting on a brave face whilst battling his PTSD and depression, but not wanting it to define him and instead looking to turn his past negatives into something positive.

Refusing to be defeated and with the support of his closest friends and family, which includes his fiancé and two sons, Dean soon discovered a talent for lifting heavy ass weights with little experience, which gave him a new passion and new challenge, ‘lifting’ his life to a new level.

As previously mentioned, having always been a keen rugby player with Blackpool, Thornton Cleveleys and Orrell, his time in the 15-a-side sport was cut short due to numerous knee injuries. Following this blow, it wasn’t just Dean’s sporting activities which came off track, admitting, “I didn’t do much after that and I lost my way. I hit breaking point just over 12 months ago and had a bad breakdown. I work for the NHS at Blackpool Victoria Hospital and knew about the mental health services, and they helped me massively.”
Dean cut himself off from the outside world, becoming less sociable and his confidence plummeting he knew something had to change. “I was not socially active and was struggling to leave the house, but I started to go to the gym with my earphones on as therapy and started doing deadlifts.”

Other than his beloved and devoted family, this soon became Dean’s reason for waking up each morning. He continued...“I soon realised I was naturally strong and a friend of mine was going in for a Strongman event in Atherton, (Greater Manchester) and invited me down. I entered at two weeks’ notice as a first-timer and won the event. I then entered the Lancashire Strongest Man event for more experience, albeit injured, I still gained a lot of from it. Two months ago I did another competition in Atherton – an open event against experienced strongmen competitors and gym goers with a no weight limit catch, and I won again!”

Due to Dean’s remarkable rise, he has earned himself a place at the North of England Strongest Man event in Hartlepool this March, where he hopes to qualify for the National Championship.

Wanting to give back to the sport and illness he continues to battle to this day, Dean has opened and runs his own gym full-time, Defiance Strength and Conditioning in Poulton. 

Dean decided he wanted to give others who suffer with mental health, a place to go, a place to learn and a place to lift. He plays a huge part in not only encouraging others to chase their goals but also in being someone who is willing to listen to their troubles and inspire them to use any negative energy and turn it into a positive.

However, his career unfolds, Dean is looking forward to a far brighter future. He added: “I hope my story not only brings light to the sport of Strongman but also shows the mental health benefits of being involved in such a sport.”

Thank you to Dean for bravely sharing your story.
Best of luck in all that you do, moving forward, both in the world of strongman as well as with your on-going battles against mental health.
We hope anyone reading this can relate to Dean's struggle and find a way to turn their negative energies into something positive.
Mark 💪
Please find attached links to both Dean's strongman and gym pages.
www.facebook.com/fineganstrongman
www.facebook.com/defiancesc

Anonymous: Me, BPD & Me

Me, BPD & Me

by Anonymous.

Born in Germany, 1985 to a British family, I was the middle child.
My Mum and Dad split when I was two years old following which I stayed with my Dad. He went on to remarry and that was the start of my abusive childhood.
My stepmother used to beat me daily. I was always told to stay in my room and rarely saw any friends, had fun or went to parties. None of that.
My dad soon followed suit with the heavy hands.

Me and my brother used to visit out Mum on holidays. Coming home was the most painful experience ever after this. I was like a cat clinging on to the door frame. We finally told our Mum about the treatment we endured and she listened and acted. We moved to our Mum's and things finally started looking up but then began another vicious circle of pain and trauma. Within two years my mum had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer.

We had the option of moving back to our Dad's as she was very unwell and unable to care for us with the treatment. We opted not to go back.

We were then placed in foster care with our Mum only being 20 minutes up the road so we could visit her after school. It was good.
Before long she moved a little further 'up the road' so we saw her a little less as it was a 2-hour drive. This was okay though. We still got to see her. 

Shen continued fighting for 4 years until she sadly and inevitably lost her battle. This was tougher than I could ever explain. Grief was something I had never really felt until then.

I went off the rails as a kid and moved to supported lodgings for various reasons. This suited me better. My foster parents were not a massive fan of people like myself, in the fact that I came out as gay at 15 years old. 

I met a guy, love of my life. Then something in me, Jekyll and Hyde if you will, snapped and I became this unstable, self-harming obsessive boyfriend. I really put that lad through hell and regret it to this day. I had no clue what was wrong with me. I was a very turbulent child though. Really damaged.

We split after a few months because of me.  

I was then booted out of supported lodgings as I was really unwell and they did not understand it, much like I didn't at the time. Arms in bandages etc, my self-harm then later manifested itself into an eating disorder. I have always been body dysmorphic though but I am currently addressing that.

I moved in to a three bedroom house via a housing association set up for care leavers. My housemate and I didn’t get along at all. I met a new guy. Became obsessed as I do. He then left after 2 weeks, only to return a week later to tell me he had been away and that he was a male escort in London. He said he had to go back down South, so, I called my brother and cleared out my stuff for him to store and moved to London!

I spent 6 months as a male escort but for the purpose of this story and its focus being on my mental health, I'll spare the detail. It was a downward spiral.
It wasn’t long before I moved in with a friend following a violent breakup with my partner.

Eventually I secured a job, a flat and some sense of pride again. Still this dark cloud still hung heavy over me.
Before my Mother passed away, she told me I had more family that I was unaware of.
I contacted some a while later and moved to sunny Blackpool. I was 20 years old at this time.
I got a job, mucked around on the ‘scene’ a bit but then.... I met someone new, someone I worked with, he was the 'popular' guy. 

I spent 12 years with this guy. 12 years of non-stop alcohol, partying, arguing, fighting, police involvement etc. Some would say it was toxic. I used alcohol to desensitize myself over the years. 

We split as our relationship deteriorated over the years. No intimacy, no love, just a hell of a lot of booze.
My friend was helping me get my head around how end things, but then someone new walked into my life and this gave me the boost I needed. We split, it wasn’t easy and it wasn’t friendly, it was a very messy breakup. 

Eventually I managed to stop drinking, unfortunately, that was the start of something within me, something I couldn’t control. All my emotions came out. The good, the bad and the very ugly. I was no longer concealing the pain with alcohol.

Two difficult years passed in this relationship all down to my instabilities. I sought help after a night in A+E, this was the final straw, I NEEDED HELP.
We have been together for 3 years now. He has stuck by me and dealt with all of my shit. All my relationships have suffered due to my 'episodes' something I was always blind to. He saved me.

I was re-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I was 17 years old upon first being diagnosed with a personality disorder after displaying certain behaviours affiliated with PD’s. I made the mistake of disregarding this diagnosis as I didn’t fully understand it. Personally, I saw it as a negative thing, almost like it was suggested that I had a bad personality. Probably the worst thing I could have done, ignoring it for so long considering I am now 35 years of age.

It was only two-year’s ago (2018) that I suffered an episode that resulted in time spent being at Blackpool Victoria Hospital. After seeing two psychiatrists I had been formally diagnosed with borderline Personality Disorder. This is also referred to as EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder). I currently take various forms of medication such as Sertraline, Quitiapine, lamotrigine, diazepam, sertraline and lithium, which when combined levels my mood, suppresses any outbursts also known as psychotic episodes.

BPD is thought to contain 9 traits of which I identify with all:
Fear of abandonment - Frantic efforts to keep people close.

Unstable relationships - Intense.

Unclear or shifting self-image - Who am I? Who is that in the mirror?

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours - Risky behaviours (including hypersexuality).

Self-harm - Eating disorders, cutting and attempts to hurt one’s self. This is not always with suicidal intent.

Extreme emotional swings - Unstable emotions and moods.

Explosive anger - This can be seen as anti-social and is one of the main causes of incarceration in men and women with BPD. We are not trouble-makers, merely misunderstood.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - Feeling like I don’t belong, like there’s a void inside me. Often people may try to fill this void with things like drugs, food or sex but nothing tends to feel truly satisfying.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality - Also known as disassociation. Paranoid thoughts about others motives and losing touch with reality when under extreme stress.

It’s often been referred to as having paper thin skin and the slightest touch can cause 3rd degree burns. Hypersensitivity.  

I have had this disorder for as long as I can remember, however wasn’t exactly sure why this was happening to me. BPD is partly genetic and I believe this as mental health conditions run throughout my family in one way or another from bipolar (which I am also being monitored for hence the lithium).

It is thought to affect 1-2% of the population with a staggering 3/4 of these being female and 23% of that remaining quarter of men are believed to be in the social justice system.
This is mainly due to the universal lack of understanding regarding this disorder.

I have recently become an accredited mental health first-aider alongside my current job and can say with confidence that being able to work in my current role helps me in ways that support the continued maintenance and management of my symptoms.

These symptoms vary on a regular basis. One minute I can be fine, on top of the world, productive, feeling important and wanting to take on new challenges, projects and ideas. Then within minutes my mood can switch. Like an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair running through me, like a freight train, so much so, that all of a sudden, all those motivational ideas then become a pipe dream. 

I come in to work on a daily basis with a smile regardless of what lies beneath. I can pride myself in the fact that I am able to carry myself well in public. Some days are different. I come in to work, get my head down and get on with it. This indicates that I am not feeling overly conversational. Whereas on the other hand I can enter a room like I own it, full of confidence, though behind all that is a terrified ‘young’ man, “Will I fit in? Will people avoid me because they don’t understand why I act the way I do? Things I say and the stories I tell? Will I be judged? Why does everyone else seem so resilient to the small things in life where I completely blow it all out of proportion?”

I have never been particularly nice to myself over the decades. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person staring back at me. Almost like looking at a shell of a person whilst dealing with feelings of doubt, chronic emptiness to the point it is physical. I change my appearance like the weather; this is a self-image deregulation also common in BPD. Who am I? 

I self-harmed as a youngster and am now left with the scars but as time has gone on, I have come to terms with this. However, this manifested into an eating disorder of which I am still addressing today. Unfortunately, this has become the norm for me (which it shouldn’t) however Rome wasn’t built in a day!

I have bouts of extreme irritability, anger, intrusive thoughts and compulsions, feelings of self-importance, euphoria, mania and severe depressive episodes. These can last from anywhere between a matter of minutes to a couple of months, which does indicate symptoms of bipolar disorder however, it’s early days with regards to that.

I live every day as it comes, as planning ahead is not something, I attempt too much due to my instabilities. Imagine how I feel when putting in annual leave requests need putting in ha-ha.

I have a partner who has stuck with me through all of what has happened so I owe a lot to him, as I do to my colleague and best friend who helped me recognise my symptoms and pushed me to seek help. I am glad she did and I pretty much owe her my life. 

It has taken me years to start to come to terms with who I am and with the help of my closest friends, family, work colleagues and my partner, I can pride myself in the fact that I am in recovery. I am able to spot all the signs of impending mood shifts and triggers and have some great coping mechanisms in place such as a mood tracker on my phone, a headspace meditation app and Elefriends, an anonymous online social media group moderated by mind.org.
I make use of social media platforms, such as Facebook, for many reasons, one of which being able to relate to others and understand what they may be dealing with, as I want to be able to help those who are struggling in their journey using my own experiences and mistakes to ensure they don’t slip as far as I once did.  

Thank you, anonymous survivor still battling but never willing to give up. 

Anonymous. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I know you've decided to remain anonymous due to work commitments so just want to take this time to thank you for the work you do surrounding mental health. 

Your story is truly inspiring with lots of twists and turns that only life can provide.

So happy to see you are now in a positive place and long may this continue.

Thanks, 

Mark 💪